Over the past week or so, my social media newsfeed has been blowing up with this “Perfect Relationship” meme. Aside from the problematic and potentially damaging idea that a “perfect relationship” exists, this fictional couple sounds malicious, pompous, and dull:

He works. She works.

They’re both employed. What a revolutionary concept.

They split the bills.

Unless he’s Sting, or she’s Oprah or something, this also makes sense.

His hobbies are video games.

… and? That’s it? Is he 12?

Her hobbies are reading and Facebook.

I’m all for reading (see what I did there?) but is Facebook really a “hobby?” She sounds boring.

He leaves her alone to her hobbies

They don’t check Facebook and hold hands, or something?

She leaves him alone to his hobbies

That should read hobby. Singular. Unless Starcraft and Call of Duty count as separate hobbies.

At night time they watch illegally downloaded movies together or stream one on Netflix.

There are better ways to spend your evenings.


She makes him a sandwich.

Tough to make yourself a sandwich when you’re glued to your Xbox. I get it.

He gives her a back rub.

In exchange for the sandwich?

They joke about how the people they know are stupid.

They sound like assholes.

He tells her about how annoying his friends are.

“GamerGuy238 can be such a jerk sometimes…”

She tells him how annoying her friends are.

OK, they’re definitely assholes.

They laugh together, then have amazing sex. 

“All of this bashing our friends, and belittling everyone we know has got me super turned-on…”

Days off are spent surfing the web, playing games together…

There’s a shock.

Or occasionally going outside to do things like: get coffee and make fun of strangers.

The assholeian trend continues.

Eat together at restaurants that have a cool atmosphere.

Plenty of strangers to mock?

Go mini-golfing.

Unless they’re both six years old and their parents are taking them, that seems a bit odd.

Go to the movies.

Before or after mini-golf? Their social itinerary sounds like my typical weekend circa 1993.

She surprises him with an occasional blow job in the morning, and he responds by making her breakfast.

Nice trade-based economy… straight outta “Pretty Woman.”


He surprises her by letting her play a video game with him

“Here’s your controller, honey. Happy anniversary.”

and she responds by whooping his ass at it.

Years of cruising Facebook on the living room couch with her gaming boyfriend have paid off. Can one acquire video game skills by osmosis?

They respect each other by never cheating.

… unless his Second Life girlfriend counts.

Never judge one another…

Just all of their friends, and everyone else they see day-to-day. (And yes, I realize that I’m judging the hell out of this fake couple but they don’t exist, so it’s OK. At least that’s what I choose to tell myself.)

… or get jealous. They trust each other.

Yeah, they can have each other. I don’t think either of them have much to worry about on that front.

Have cute arguments like whose turn it is to the dishes [sic], or what answers don’t count in Scattergories.

“Cute” might be is probably a stretch.

They’re a team. A club. A 2 person gang that no one else is allowed to enter or join. It’s them vs. everyone else.

What a healthy way to view your relationship… being a “gang” that constantly shits on the world together.

The perfect relationship doesn’t exist, but if I’m wrong and it looks like this, I don’t want one.