The greater part of human activity is designed to make permanent those experiences and joys which are only lovable because they are changing.

It must be obvious… that there is a contradiction in wanting to be perfectly secure in a universe whose very nature is momentariness and fluidity.

– Alan Watts


All jealous people believe, to a greater or lesser extent, that they can “control” their partners. This qualifies as a delusion because you simply cannot control other people. If your partner wants to run back to her ex-boyfriend, she will. If your partner wants to fool around with a co-worker, she will. If your partner wants to leave you, you better believe that they will. Short of physical force or incarceration, you cannot restrict your partner’s will, so unless jailtime seems appealing, you need to let go.

Let go of expectation. Let go of control. Let go of restrictions. Let go of your need for security and reassurance. Let go and let the universe do its work. Let go.

Love is fickle. Attraction is fickle. The world is fickle, and men and women are fickle. There are absolutely no certainties in love, and the only certainty in life is that it ends. Relationships dissolve, marriages fall apart, people grow old and die, and the only thing you will be at the end of this journey is a pile of decaying matter, returning to the earth in one manner or another.

This may seem distressing or depressing to you, but these are truths that are necessary for you to accept if you want to get serious about self improvement. They are also enormously liberating and exciting truths.

Our species has a major advantage in that we know, without any doubt, that one day we will die, and that all of our efforts and achievements will turn to dust. How do you want to spend the rest of your time? Endlessly clinging to the illusion of your ego and “the way things ought to be?” Seeking a reassurance that will never come? Attempting to assert control over the chaotic, illogical and uncontrollable phenomenon that is love? This is delusional living, and it is a complete and utter waste of time.

A happy life is one lived without expectations. One who lives without expectations is open to endless possibilities. Letting go of jealousy requires that you commit to living an intentional life devoid of expectation.

Read that last sentence again. Letting go of expectations does not mean living a life void of intention. In fact, making decisions and setting intentions is one of the most powerful things we can do as humans, and is absolutely essential to the task of overcoming jealousy. We may set intentions and work toward them, but the outcome is out of our control. We must make choices to do things simply for the doing — not because we are expecting a certain outcome.

Many jealous people see their jealousy as an expression of love. I have always had trouble with this sentiment, as I believe that real and true love is given completely devoid of expectation, and jealous people expect their partners to behave in a certain manner. Giving love should be done simply for the giving, not because of expectation, or anticipation of receiving anything in return.

Think about the last time you made truly passionate, earth-shattering love. The best sex I have ever experienced has always involved me succumbing totally to the present moment, and losing myself in the act of giving. No doubt, I was also receiving intense love and pleasure, but it was in my giving, and total letting go of expectations, that I saw god. To me, this is true love.

Letting go of expectations and our vain attempt at “control” frees up energy to be directed toward infinitely more fun, and fruitful endeavors.

Find a pen and paper and write down the following statement:

I choose to let go because it’s the only, and therefore best, option.

Writing things down can often have a magical effect on our will, and capacity to grow. You may feel a new sense of power and optimism after transferring your thoughts and intentions to paper. Roll with it.

This was an excerpt from my bestselling guidebook, Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy. Click here to learn more.